Dealing with Breakups: Your guide to healing

dealing with breakups

You know how they say, “Love is a beautiful thing?” Well, breaking up can be a pretty messy thing, especially when it happens to you. Breakups are like Lagos traffic: everyone experiences it at some point, and it’s annoying and painful, and you feel all sorts of emotions.

Imagine you’re driving on the Third Mainland Bridge, cruising to your favourite jam, when suddenly, your partner serves you a hot breakfast in this hot weather. Chai!!! Imagine the pain, the shock, the confusion, the sadness, and the anger!!

Let’s not forget the pressure from friends and family: with every call, “Iyawo nko, oko nko? ” ” When will you marry?” and now the potential Iyawo or Oko has served you breakfast. Pressure ti wa!!

But here’s the thing: Dealing with breakups is difficult and healing is possible. It’s not easy, but it’s doable. You just need to know the right steps to take, and that’s where we come in.

So, buckle up, Lagos style, and let’s navigate this journey together. We’ll get through the emotions, and the pressures, and come out stronger on the other side.

Dealing with Breakups: Let’s understand it a little

Breakups trigger feelings of sadness and grief similar to other forms of loss, and truly, you have just lost someone you thought you had a future with. So it makes sense that your brain processes this in similarity with the physical loss we experience. The emotional, mental, and even physical pain you go through all stem from “The Attachment bonds, the Disrupted Routines and The Identity shifts that occur during that period.

Man sad after girlfriend breaks up with him

You have to let go, cut off and seemingly forget someone you shared so much. The habits you cultivated because of them, the memories, the person you became etc sometimes make you feel unsure of who you are outside that relationship, because for a while…it’s been both of you and nothing else mattered.

Dealing with Breakups: From the Lens of “The Five Stages of Grief”

The emotional chaos that follows a breakup can be overwhelming, but did you know there are five stages you might go through? It’s the five stages of grief, but instead of mourning a loss, you’re dealing with the end of a relationship…a different kind of loss. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross originally introduced these stages in the context of grief, but they surprisingly also resonate with the breakup experience.

So, what are these stages, and how can you navigate them to start healing?

1. Denial: “This can’t be happening!”

After a breakup, denial often sets in. You may think to yourself, “Omo, wetin dey happen? This can’t be real”. You may struggle to come to terms with the reality of what has happened, convincing yourself that it’s probably temporary or you’re just having a bad dream, you may even continue acting like the relationship still exists, and that’s a normal reaction.

What you should focus on doing is; allowing yourself to feel every emotion you’re going through; one at a time. Sounds impossible right, but it is. Journaling can help you do that and the journal doesn’t have to be a book, it can be a recording of yourself, being in the process and slowly coming to terms with reality.

2. Anger: “Why did this happen to me?”

As the reality of the breakup sinks in, feelings of anger or resentment often emerge. You might direct this anger toward your ex, yourself, or even the concept of love., you may start recalling perceived injustices or feeling frustrated by unmet expectations. The times they annoyed you or were unfair to you.

At this time, it’s important to express your anger in healthy ways. Try some hobbies or activities like exercising, vent to a trusted friend, or engage in creative outlets like art or writing.

3. Bargaining: “If only I had done things differently…”

In the bargaining stage, you might replay scenarios in your mind, wishing you had said or done something differently to save the relationship. You may even try negotiating with your ex or yourself to reverse the breakup. Thinking, “What if?” or “If I change, they’ll come back.”

I’m sure you’ve been there, and that’s what happens at this stage. You must acknowledge these thoughts without acting on them. Instead, focus on identifying what lessons you can take from the relationship to grow.

4. Depression: “This hurts so much…”

This is one tough stage in dealing with breakups. This stage feels like a dark cloud that’s been hovering over you. The weight of the breakup finally hits you, and it feels like a ton of bricks has been dropped on your chest. The sadness, loneliness and despair become so overwhelming and it is hard to imagine a way out. You might find yourself crying all the time, withdrawing from friends and family, and feeling hopeless. You might even struggle with your self-worth, wondering if you’re still lovable or valuable.

But here’s the thing: you don’t have to go through this alone. Reach out to loved ones or a therapist who can offer you guidance and support. Breakups are a form of grief, and having someone to talk to can make all the difference. Take care of yourself, too – get enough sleep, eat well, and try mindfulness exercises to calm your mind…and CRY!!; let those tears flow. Crying is very therapeutic.

5. Acceptance: “It’s time to move forward.”

You’ve finally reached a turning point. Acceptance has set in, and you’ve come to terms with the fact that the relationship is truly over. It’s not about forgetting the memories or the love you shared, but acknowledging that the chapter of your life has closed. Now, you’re starting to focus on the future, that’s where the excitement begins.

You’re rediscovering things that brought you joy, finding new passions and interests, and feeling a sense of freedom and independence. Take some time to reflect on what you learned from the relationship and apply those lessons to your personal growth. Set new goals, reconnect with your passions, and get ready to take on whatever comes next.

Moving Forward

Healing takes time. As you process your feelings, gradually shift your focus toward the future:

  • Reflect on Lessons Learned: Consider what the relationship taught you about yourself and your needs in a partner.
  • Set New Goals: Whether personal or professional, setting goals can reignite your sense of purpose.
  • Open Your Heart (When Ready): When the time feels right, embrace new relationships with an open but cautious heart.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with breakups is not a linear process. You may revisit stages or experience them out of order, and that’s okay. The key is to approach each stage with self-compassion and patience. Breakups, though painful, are opportunities for growth and self-discovery.

As you work through your emotions, remember that breakups are a chapter—not the whole story—of your life. Healthily dealing with breakups can help guide you through the emotional turmoil. Whether it’s sadness, anger, or confusion, knowing how to heal and move on can bring clarity and strength during this difficult time, helping you come out stronger and ready to embrace new beginnings.

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